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May 15, 2006. This article appeared in the May, 2006 issue of BoatU.S. Magazine, and is reprinted here with their permission. Normally, I find “mistakes-made” articles predictable and even boring, but this one was cute enough to capture my interest. – Bob Hale
Towing No-Brainers
By Scott Croft
As the boating season gets underway in many parts of the country, we thought we would pass along some of the more insightful and colorful anecdotes towers have shared with us over the years.
For example, a number of stories about boaters who are unable to determine their location are legend.
Years ago a towing captain got a call from a disabled vessel. In trying to determine its location, a towing captain asked the disabled vessel’s skipper, “Do you have a Loran on board?”
“Lorraine is not aboard this boat,” was the reply.
In another case a vessel departed the port located in a small coastal community. Three islands lay just offshore.
Just after leaving port the vessel experienced engine trouble. When asked by the towing captain for his location, the stricken vessel’s captain impatiently replied, “I’m straight out of Mayberry!”
The towing captain then asked which island the stricken vessel was near.
Growing frustrated, the disabled vessel’s captain replied in a snotty tone, “Look, I SAID I’m straight out of Mayberry! I know you’re trying to pad you bill, so can we just cut the nonsense and you come and GET ME?”
Since all of the islands were “straight out of Mayberry”—including an entire swath of the Atlantic Ocean—needless time was wasted locating the vessel.
Meanwhile, many boaters believe they can survive without knowing how to give a bearing. On time a towing captain received a call from a boater in distress who said he was near a well-known landmark. When asked for his location the distressed boater replied, “The lighthouse is in front of me. I’m RIGHT here!”
The towing captain eventually found the poor soul, but not after demonstrating via a 360° turn around the stricken vessel that reporting you are “in front of” a landmark was absolutely useless information.
Variations on that theme include boaters who, when asked to identify their location, respond:
“Can’t you see I’m just under the plane . . . cloud . . . sun . . . moon?”
Or, “I’m the only boat next to the buoy. Can’t you SEE ME?”
Now picture the towing captain who is urgently scanning the horizon near the buoy with binoculars, and in his field of view are no less than a dozen boats.
Another story comes second-hand from a towing captain. It concerns a boat dealer and that insatiable desire to “keep up with the Jonses.”
The boat dealer had a client—new to boating—interested in a large sportfisher, no less than 60 feet, as the client’s neighbor also had a boat in that size range. On the bridge of the huge boat was a very large compass. Pointing to it, the frugal client said to the dealer in a suspicious tone, “What is THAT?”
The dealer responded politely, “That’s a compass. It comes standard with the boat.”
The client responded, “Well I don’t want THAT and I am NOT going to pay for it!”
The dealer sensed that perhaps the boat sale wasn’t a good idea, and didn’t close the deal. Score one for all recreational boaters.
In another instance a towing captain was attempting a soft ungrounding of a sailboat that was stuck on the side of a narrow channel. Due to shallow water, the towboat could not get any closer than about 100 feet from the stricken vessel.
As the tower was preparing the tow line, a speedboat traveling at a high rate of speed rounded a blind corner in the channel, heading straight between the towboat and sailboat—and the same sandbar which had grounded the sailboat.
Crews on both vessels sounded horns and did jumping jacks in an attempt to warn the speedboat operator of the thin water.
It did no good. Instead of going around and avoiding both vessels, the speedster continued to proceed between the two boats and promptly grounded to a halt.
Incredulously, he then blamed the towing captain for the shallow water and shouted insults and made gestures that would make any grandmother blush.
Luckily a marine patrol officer witnessed the entire scene and advised that speedboat operator that if he continued his tirade he would earn himself an expensive ticket. The towing captain later pulled both vessels to deep water.
The moral of these stories?
Watch what you say and do because you might just end up being part of the local nautical lore.v
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